“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.”
C.S. Lewis

The solemn procession could have been a funeral. Three white-robed young men carried a large cross and other unfamiliar objects down the center aisle. Leading them, the priest slowly swung an ornate incense burner, sending clouds of fragrant smoke drifting through the small sanctuary.

I was about four years old.

This was the neighborhood Episcopal church my mother attended, the same church my mother had attended as a young girl. I would later attend preschool there, but my earliest memories were not of classrooms—they were of sitting quietly in the sanctuary, watching a ceremony I could neither understand nor explain. Everything felt mysterious. The stained-glass windows. The candles. The flowing white robes. The chanting. The incense. The silence. Everyone around me seemed to know exactly what was happening.

I didn’t.

At four years old, I had no idea that the incense symbolized prayers rising before God. I didn’t understand why the cross was carried in procession or why every movement followed an ancient pattern. To the adults around me, every symbol pointed to something deeper. To me, they were simply symbols.

The service was beautiful in a way I couldn’t describe, but it also felt distant—almost frightening. 

If this was church…

If this was religion…

I wanted no part of it.

Looking back, I realize that wasn’t anyone’s fault. The people around me weren’t performing empty rituals. They were worshiping with symbols that had carried meaning for Christians through the centuries. The problem wasn’t the symbols. The problem was that I couldn’t yet see what they were pointing to.

Children often confuse appearance with reality. Sometimes adults do too. For years, I believed I had rejected Christianity. In truth, I had rejected my childhood understanding of Christianity. There is a profound difference.

My search for truth was never really a search away from God. It was a search for the God hidden behind my misconceptions—the God I had not yet come to know. Only much later would I discover that Christianity is not ultimately about ceremonies, buildings, incense, or traditions.

It is about Jesus Christ.

And I had not yet met Him.

For I desire steadfast love and not sacrifice, the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings.
Hosea 6:6 (ESV)

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