There was a time in my life when I drifted. Not suddenly. Not dramatically. But slowly—almost without noticing. During my medical residency and fellowship, life was full. Demanding. Consuming. And somewhere in the middle of all of it, my relationship with God became… secondary. Then distant. And eventually, almost absent.

I didn’t reject God. I just lived as if He weren’t there. And yet… I came back. Years later, by God’s grace, I returned. Not because I had everything figured out—but because something in me knew I couldn’t stay where I was. And still, even after coming back, a question lingered: What if I was never truly saved to begin with?

If I could drift that far… that easily…What did that say about my faith? That question becomes harder when I read the Bible. There’s a man in Scripture named Saul. He was chosen by God to be king. Given position, influence—even the Spirit of God came upon him. His life began with promise. And yet… it didn’t end that way.

Over time, something shifted. Not all at once. But gradually. His decisions became driven more by fear than trust. More by image than obedience. And eventually, his life unraveled. What unsettles me about Saul isn’t just that he failed. It’s how slowly it happened. A small compromise here. A rationalization there. A moment where he chose control instead of trust. And when he was confronted, he didn’t break. He explained. He justified. He tried to hold onto how things looked on the outside.

That’s the part that stays with me. Because it feels… familiar. Close… but not surrendered? Saul was close to the things of God. Chosen. Anointed. Used. And yet his story raises a difficult possibility: It’s possible to be near the things of God…and still not surrender to Him.

And then, in contrast, there’s Peter the Apostle. Peter also failed. Publicly. Painfully. He denied Jesus—not once, but three times. But his story didn’t end there. He wept. He stayed. And somehow, in the midst of his failure, he found his way back. So what is the difference?

That’s the question that lingers. Saul was chosen. Peter failed. But one drifted away…and one returned. Why? The Bible doesn’t always give us simple answers. But it does give us moments of clarity. One of the most sobering is this:

I never knew you.

Matthew 7:23 (ESV)

Not “you knew Me once and lost Me.” But: “I never knew you.”

That line shifts everything. Because it suggests the deepest issue isn’t: how close we appear, 

how much we do, or even how far we fall, but whether we are truly known by Him.

So I come back to my own life. There was a season where I drifted far enough that I barely recognized who I had become spiritually. And when I returned, I couldn’t help but ask: Was I coming back…or was I coming for the first time?

I don’t have a perfectly clean answer. There are passages that speak of security. Others that warn of falling away. But this question feels more important than all the others: Am I trusting Him… right now?

Saul’s story warns me. Peter’s story gives me hope. And my own story reminds me of this: Being near God is not the same as belonging to Him. But returning to Him… is never wasted.

Love and trust in the Lord; seek His will in your life.

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