Chapter 6 — Habit

The first time James cut a block himself that year, no one noticed. It wasn’t defiance. It wasn’t impatience. It was timing. The tray had been sitting on the counter for over an hour. Not a STAT. Not urgent. But the surgeon had already called once, and the second call would not be polite. Wilma was behind. Everyone was behind.

James stood at the histology doorway longer than necessary, watching the microtome advance and retract in steady rhythm. The blade moved with controlled inevitability. Wax curled in thin ribbons and fell like pale confetti. He knew the machine. Not the way the techs did—not instinctively—but competently. Carter had taught him during research year. Late nights. Frozen rat kidneys. Hours of embedding and sectioning because there had been no one else to do it.

“You don’t respect tissue until you’ve cut it yourself,” Carter had once said. James respected tissue. He also respected Wilma. Which is why he hesitated.

“You need that one?” Wilma asked without looking up.

He stepped forward. “I can wait.”

She exhaled through her nose. “They’re already calling.”

He knew she meant the surgeons. He glanced at the block in question. “Let me trim it,” he said quietly.

Wilma stopped. The microtome blade paused mid-advance. She looked at him now. “You’re not supposed to.”

“I know.” Her eyes narrowed—not suspicious, not angry. Evaluating.

“You still remember how?” He nodded. She stepped aside. “Just don’t butcher it.”

He didn’t. He adjusted the block holder, tightened the clamp, and advanced the blade slowly. The first few shavings were thick—trimming cuts, not sections. He watched the surface come into plane. The muscle memory returned easily. Advance. Lock. Cut. He switched to thinner sections and let the ribbons gather on the blade edge before lifting them carefully onto the water bath. They floated, translucent and fragile. He felt the old satisfaction—clean, controlled, exact. No drama. Just skill.

Wilma watched without comment. When he finished, she resumed her station as if nothing unusual had occurred. “Don’t make a habit of it,” she said.

“I won’t.” He meant it.

Upstairs, the case moved smoothly through sign-out. Margins clear. Benign. The surgeon did not call again. James didn’t mention the histology moment to anyone. Not Deanna. Not Carlos. Not even himself. It had been practical. Efficient. Helpful. That was all.

The second time happened two weeks later. A rush of biopsies. Two techs out sick. One microtome acting temperamental. James stepped in more quickly this time. He didn’t ask. He adjusted the block, trimmed, cut, transferred. Clean. Accurate. Efficient. Wilma didn’t protest. Franklin glanced over once and said nothing. No one wrote it down. No one objected. It became part of the rhythm. A small correction in a strained system.

Upstairs, Susan noticed something. Not the cutting. The timing. Cases that had been stalled moved more quickly when James had been downstairs. She did not comment. She wrote nothing. But she began arriving in histology more often, watching quietly from the edge of the room. She prayed before entering now. Not because she suspected wrongdoing. Because she sensed drift.

Deanna found out by accident. She entered histology looking for a delayed specimen and stopped when she saw James at the microtome. He was mid-cut, focused, precise. She waited until he finished.

“You’re doing that now?” she asked.

He removed the ribbon from the water bath and placed it on the slide before answering. “Just helping.”

She folded her arms loosely. “That’s not your job.”

“It’s not against the rules.”

“It’s not in them either.”

He looked at her. “They’re drowning.”

She studied him. “I know.”

He could see the fatigue behind her eyes now—not the early-year strain, but something steadier. “I’m not trying to overstep,” he said quietly.

She believed him. That was the problem. “I don’t want this to become… something,” she said.

“It won’t.”

She nodded, but not completely convinced. “Just be careful.”

He smiled faintly. “I always am.”

That night, James sat alone in his office with the fluorescent lights turned off. He turned the microscope lamp on. The circle of light appeared. Steady. Contained. He thought about the microtome. About Carter’s lab. About the satisfaction of precision. He told himself it was skill. He told himself it was service. He told himself it was harmless. He did not consider how easy it had become.

Downstairs, the microtome rested silent. Upstairs, Morelli paused again at sign-out. In the residents’ room, Susan wrote in the margin of her notebook:

help can look like control

Then she closed the book and bowed her head briefly, her black hair falling around her face. “Let me see clearly,” she whispered again. “Not just tissue. Consequences.”

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